LET GO

I’ve been let go
I’ve been farted out the back door
of a cramped office
Something rank and foul
at the center of my life
gassing me full of paychecks
and sugary self-esteem
has given way
A strong smell of shit is in the air
Can Spring be far behind

I'M STRANGE

no pine tree in my house
no electric camels and sheep on my front lawn
don’t sing love songs to frozen precip.
not sending pictures of elves

to everyone I know
haven’t a clue what an elf is
a completely elfless sonofabitch
who is liable to drink eggnog in July

that’s me
I followed a star once
her name was Brigitte Bardot
it wasn’t wise

in case any of you revelers give a shit
I’m standing under some cobwebs
waiting to be kissed on the skin flute
and I keep both my chest nuts away from open fires

ON CLOUD THREE

Ravel’s one-armed piano concerto
is tickling the ivories of my spine,
while I digest a breakfast of baby shrimp
and diabolically turn H2O into urine.

Then, left hand ringing false as usual,
Dottie Goldbarth, whose dots have yet
to be connected, stops by. Zipping down,
exposing my dangerous chest locks,

I quip, “Still marred with two children
and a wealthy insignificant other, I see!”
and, voila, it’s air on the g-string
followed by music for royal fireworks.

I TAKE CHANCES

I comb my hair forward
I lick envelopes
I drive to the store
I shop hungry
I eat the skin
I take communion
I use condoms
I answer the phone
I fart in the shower
I sit in the sun
I go to the dentist
I clip my own toenails
I listen to Glass
I read the paper
I invest
I send out poems
I listen to the scores
I go to the bathroom
I invite people over
I vote
I include “A well regulated Militia” when I read the Second Amendment
I watch Public Television
I married twice
I taught in an all-girls’ school for three years
I cracked a joke there
I rake leaves
I take pain killers
I go to the movies in the summer
I watch films rated G
I look in the mirror
I walk in the woods
I drink the water

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS


pissing in the wind was nearly taken by Prose Ax.

a limerick was rejected without comment by Poetry and APR.

the dirty little blind sister poem was raved about by Charles Harper Webb in a workshop at Vermont College on August 11, 2005.

a recess made little Debbie Bump spit Pepsi all over herself at an open mic last year.

anal clucking and the dumps were published in The Chiron Review (which then went out of business) and were referred to as “a perfect delight and perfect for Charles’ workshop” by Roger Weingarten when accompanied by my deposit check.

the bathroom poems were published in Naked Knuckle and Dead End: City Limits simultaneously (because somebody fucked up).

there’s something going around was published in Barrow Street which has since rejected me three times in a row.

anal clucking was not nominated for a Pulitzer Prize.

not one lowku was selected for the annual Best American Poetry collection.

pornku was a finalist in an “International Poetry Contest” along with 10,364 other entries, and we only had to pay $59.95 a piece for copies of the anthology that our work appeared in.

light bulbous girls was published in Knocked despite the fact that I had called the editor an asshole for rejecting my previous submission.

the script will be published in Paris Review over Simic’s dead body.

aging cracks me up was self-published on a mimeograph machine and distributed on the streets of Syracuse, NY.

manager to checkout 3 was enjoyed immensely by Tom Corrado, Dick Ross and Harry Maggio in a back room of the Last Call tavern.

the remainder of the poems in this ms. were simultaneously rejected by Fence, Rattle, Chelsea, the Colorado Review, Crazy Horse and Boulevard.

HONEY, I'M HAM

8 lanes fast forwarding
the large eggs have to be boiled
3 minutes and 22 seconds
whose turn is it at the bird feeder

you’re sorry
you’re always sorry
the point of the pencil keeps disappearing
who put that turd at the base of my tulip

you better salute that kernel, boy
the washing machine is not pursuing happiness
I tilted that painting on purpose
goddamn it

the battle of the bumper stickers
everyone is jammed
into a single middle finger – sir,
would you please try your card again

SOMETHING IS VIBRATING IN MY CHINOS

it’s Rebecca from Portsmouth
she’s not sleeping well lately
and she wants to talk
she’s great at multi-tasking

her boyfriend Bill is inside her
panting and moaning
I tell her to activate the loudspeaker
and quickly get as hard as a Gillette Foamy can

she’s talking about asparagus
she says she loves the furry tops of the vegetable
but the stem she can do without
I can hear the clicking of the connection

she’s dicing and spicing
what she lacks in enthusiasm
she makes up for in precision
and then Bill & I come together

TODAY'S PROGRAM DESCRIPTIONS

In this intense psychological drama by Roman Polanski, an architect shaves his mustache but no one notices.

Hollywood has-been torments famous sister in wheelchair.

Three people share their anxieties in an unnamed country, starring Mickey Rooney, Annette Funicello and Peter Lorre.

Beautiful women offer pleasing moments. ($9.95)

A Pakastani coffee vendor was once a janitor. (with Errol Flynn)

An impotent war veteran is reunited with his former love, and the sun is the only thing rising.

A man’s marriage crumbles during his quest for a candy bar.

A power struggle erupts between the queen and his lover. (Nature Special)

A singing Australian vampire, played by Red Buttons, finds his soul mate in Brooklyn.

A dentist lands in a lunar cavity with a lap dancer.

Privileged collegians wallow in British Literature and Diet Pepsi.

Mentally challenged sheriff goes into telemarketing.

In this wickedly entertaining Paid Advert for a stain remover, Norman Bates takes a shower after a long day of checking in with his customers.

Two Mexican women battle an emaciated mouse. (Fit TV)

TALKING TO MY HAIRDRESSER

Just trim around the ears.
Trust me they’re there.

The wax? I’m a cottage industry.
I make candles out of it.

My girlfriend? I don’t understand her tongue
until it’s in my mouth.

Honestly I’ve tried to go fuck myself,
but I can’t figure out how to do it.

I get all tangled up
and wind up fucking somebody else every time.

Could you turn your head when you cough please?
Thanks.

THE 20 DWARVES

I’m in my lounger,
one hand on the dipstick
and the other poised to push REC.
Nudity was promised.
I was thinking full frontal of Neuwirth.

I got her last week
in a skimpy one-piece from an old Frazier,
so I was eager to take the next step.
It turns out all we see
is one of Bening’s shoulders

naked for a blink
and lots of Beatty as “Bugsy”
repeating “20 dwarves took turns
doing handstands on the carpet,”
trying to improve himself.

JEOPARDY

contestant number one
does colonoscopies for a living

people fart in his face
while he saves their lives

he doesn’t enter
until the patient is positioned

ass and drugged up
moaning

we are told the money is good
we are led to believe that an annual

month-long cruise with a flat-assed mate
makes it all worthwhile

us with our moons gazing up
us with our sugar polyps

ACROSS A CROWDED ROOM

let’s say I’m malignant
but I spread so slowly
I am considered benign
part of the lumpen family

you’re mostly puritan
not in the habit of ravishing yourself everyday
so I stay under the radar
feeling you up

you keep your distance
the condition worsens
the drugs you need are illegal
hit and run is your story in a nutshell

I might be gay
the product of a single mother
kiss me through the face mask
hold me by my oxygen tank

if my name doesn’t appear on your television
how can I be anyone
not even worth the immature bark
of a fox kit

let’s say I’m buds
that only lead to a lot of naked trees
unable to provide enough cover
for a quick piss in the woods

knowing can’t cure the disease
but you are more beautifully sad now
I love you I say
and that’s the first symptom

THEMSELF

They chant the catalog of other people’s sins
Their eyeball on backwards

They say the rules are important everybody must follow
They whose tongues are the color of cat shit

They say it is so nice to meet you
Or was that the snake between their lips

It is essential to get the stains out they say
These spotless leopards

They say die for us and we will worship you
I say I wonder what you would taste like barbecued

They say right and wrong
I say two sides of the same rotting corpse

I’m looking at the ocean
They say it’s exactly thirteen after one

This is the road to take they say
Pointing to a shortcut of slime

They bring wars to their children wrapped in ribbons
Even their own intestines are against them

They move about in schools
But they can’t find anything smaller than themself to eat

TINY BIBLES

the meat loaf sticks
there is no sex without stomach cramps
and watching from lowdown my car risen up
tank nearly empty
gutters all full
I can’t even save one chipmunk
from the meow of death

yet dreaming out beyond god
where sin is illogical
Im gets an apostrophe
before being hooked up
with perfect enough
pawns can be queens
and Everlast holds up the boxers

WALKING AROUND WITHOUT A HEART (for Mal de Hyde)

All these years my penis has been faking it
If it rains I don’t lift a finger
I mate online I sleep
I have various organs removed
I eat chocolate covered cranberries
I watch basketball without hope
I put my clothes on the line
Nothing else
I have aches like anyone else
but they don’t lead to assaults
I have an extra room under my left nipple
I invite a slice of pizza in
Jazz makes me feel sound
Hairs I leave behind from the EKG
I like to see what’s inside the dead trees
The telephone is always a shock
like Plato walking in and asking for a peach
The computer is a trash compactor
I shop for general anesthesia
I only shave before surgery
I smell like dominion
I come up two lemons and a banana
Listen to the road noise
You can almost tell the mail from the garbage truck
The lungs sound like someone learning how to play the flute
There’s a recession I’m told
you should be writing happier poems
An erection is an erection I respond
In the land of the free
and the Black Buried young
Please visit me in the hospital cellar