I comb my hair forward
I lick envelopes
I drive to the store
I shop hungry
I eat the skin
I take communion
I use condoms
I answer the phone
I fart in the shower
I sit in the sun
I go to the dentist
I clip my own toenails
I listen to Glass
I read the paper
I invest
I send out poems
I listen to the scores
I go to the bathroom
I invite people over
I vote
I include “A well regulated Militia” when I read the Second Amendment
I watch Public Television
I married twice
I taught in an all-girls’ school for three years
I cracked a joke there
I rake leaves
I take pain killers
I go to the movies in the summer
I watch films rated G
I look in the mirror
I walk in the woods
I drink the water
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
pissing in the wind was nearly taken by Prose Ax.
a limerick was rejected without comment by Poetry and APR.
the dirty little blind sister poem was raved about by Charles Harper Webb in a workshop at Vermont College on August 11, 2005.
a recess made little Debbie Bump spit Pepsi all over herself at an open mic last year.
anal clucking and the dumps were published in The Chiron Review (which then went out of business) and were referred to as “a perfect delight and perfect for Charles’ workshop” by Roger Weingarten when accompanied by my deposit check.
the bathroom poems were published in Naked Knuckle and Dead End: City Limits simultaneously (because somebody fucked up).
there’s something going around was published in Barrow Street which has since rejected me three times in a row.
anal clucking was not nominated for a Pulitzer Prize.
not one lowku was selected for the annual Best American Poetry collection.
pornku was a finalist in an “International Poetry Contest” along with 10,364 other entries, and we only had to pay $59.95 a piece for copies of the anthology that our work appeared in.
light bulbous girls was published in Knocked despite the fact that I had called the editor an asshole for rejecting my previous submission.
the script will be published in Paris Review over Simic’s dead body.
aging cracks me up was self-published on a mimeograph machine and distributed on the streets of Syracuse, NY.
manager to checkout 3 was enjoyed immensely by Tom Corrado, Dick Ross and Harry Maggio in a back room of the Last Call tavern.
the remainder of the poems in this ms. were simultaneously rejected by Fence, Rattle, Chelsea, the Colorado Review, Crazy Horse and Boulevard.
pissing in the wind was nearly taken by Prose Ax.
a limerick was rejected without comment by Poetry and APR.
the dirty little blind sister poem was raved about by Charles Harper Webb in a workshop at Vermont College on August 11, 2005.
a recess made little Debbie Bump spit Pepsi all over herself at an open mic last year.
anal clucking and the dumps were published in The Chiron Review (which then went out of business) and were referred to as “a perfect delight and perfect for Charles’ workshop” by Roger Weingarten when accompanied by my deposit check.
the bathroom poems were published in Naked Knuckle and Dead End: City Limits simultaneously (because somebody fucked up).
there’s something going around was published in Barrow Street which has since rejected me three times in a row.
anal clucking was not nominated for a Pulitzer Prize.
not one lowku was selected for the annual Best American Poetry collection.
pornku was a finalist in an “International Poetry Contest” along with 10,364 other entries, and we only had to pay $59.95 a piece for copies of the anthology that our work appeared in.
light bulbous girls was published in Knocked despite the fact that I had called the editor an asshole for rejecting my previous submission.
the script will be published in Paris Review over Simic’s dead body.
aging cracks me up was self-published on a mimeograph machine and distributed on the streets of Syracuse, NY.
manager to checkout 3 was enjoyed immensely by Tom Corrado, Dick Ross and Harry Maggio in a back room of the Last Call tavern.
the remainder of the poems in this ms. were simultaneously rejected by Fence, Rattle, Chelsea, the Colorado Review, Crazy Horse and Boulevard.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
HONEY, I'M HAM
8 lanes fast forwarding
the large eggs have to be boiled
3 minutes and 22 seconds
whose turn is it at the bird feeder
you’re sorry
you’re always sorry
the point of the pencil keeps disappearing
who put that turd at the base of my tulip
you better salute that kernel, boy
the washing machine is not pursuing happiness
I tilted that painting on purpose
goddamn it
the battle of the bumper stickers
everyone is jammed
into a single middle finger – sir,
would you please try your card again
the large eggs have to be boiled
3 minutes and 22 seconds
whose turn is it at the bird feeder
you’re sorry
you’re always sorry
the point of the pencil keeps disappearing
who put that turd at the base of my tulip
you better salute that kernel, boy
the washing machine is not pursuing happiness
I tilted that painting on purpose
goddamn it
the battle of the bumper stickers
everyone is jammed
into a single middle finger – sir,
would you please try your card again
Monday, August 10, 2009
SOMETHING IS VIBRATING IN MY CHINOS
it’s Rebecca from Portsmouth
she’s not sleeping well lately
and she wants to talk
she’s great at multi-tasking
her boyfriend Bill is inside her
panting and moaning
I tell her to activate the loudspeaker
and quickly get as hard as a Gillette Foamy can
she’s talking about asparagus
she says she loves the furry tops of the vegetable
but the stem she can do without
I can hear the clicking of the connection
she’s dicing and spicing
what she lacks in enthusiasm
she makes up for in precision
and then Bill & I come together
she’s not sleeping well lately
and she wants to talk
she’s great at multi-tasking
her boyfriend Bill is inside her
panting and moaning
I tell her to activate the loudspeaker
and quickly get as hard as a Gillette Foamy can
she’s talking about asparagus
she says she loves the furry tops of the vegetable
but the stem she can do without
I can hear the clicking of the connection
she’s dicing and spicing
what she lacks in enthusiasm
she makes up for in precision
and then Bill & I come together
Friday, August 7, 2009
TODAY'S PROGRAM DESCRIPTIONS
In this intense psychological drama by Roman Polanski, an architect shaves his mustache but no one notices.
Hollywood has-been torments famous sister in wheelchair.
Three people share their anxieties in an unnamed country, starring Mickey Rooney, Annette Funicello and Peter Lorre.
Beautiful women offer pleasing moments. ($9.95)
A Pakastani coffee vendor was once a janitor. (with Errol Flynn)
An impotent war veteran is reunited with his former love, and the sun is the only thing rising.
A man’s marriage crumbles during his quest for a candy bar.
A power struggle erupts between the queen and his lover. (Nature Special)
A singing Australian vampire, played by Red Buttons, finds his soul mate in Brooklyn.
A dentist lands in a lunar cavity with a lap dancer.
Privileged collegians wallow in British Literature and Diet Pepsi.
Mentally challenged sheriff goes into telemarketing.
In this wickedly entertaining Paid Advert for a stain remover, Norman Bates takes a shower after a long day of checking in with his customers.
Two Mexican women battle an emaciated mouse. (Fit TV)
Hollywood has-been torments famous sister in wheelchair.
Three people share their anxieties in an unnamed country, starring Mickey Rooney, Annette Funicello and Peter Lorre.
Beautiful women offer pleasing moments. ($9.95)
A Pakastani coffee vendor was once a janitor. (with Errol Flynn)
An impotent war veteran is reunited with his former love, and the sun is the only thing rising.
A man’s marriage crumbles during his quest for a candy bar.
A power struggle erupts between the queen and his lover. (Nature Special)
A singing Australian vampire, played by Red Buttons, finds his soul mate in Brooklyn.
A dentist lands in a lunar cavity with a lap dancer.
Privileged collegians wallow in British Literature and Diet Pepsi.
Mentally challenged sheriff goes into telemarketing.
In this wickedly entertaining Paid Advert for a stain remover, Norman Bates takes a shower after a long day of checking in with his customers.
Two Mexican women battle an emaciated mouse. (Fit TV)
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
TALKING TO MY HAIRDRESSER
Just trim around the ears.
Trust me they’re there.
The wax? I’m a cottage industry.
I make candles out of it.
My girlfriend? I don’t understand her tongue
until it’s in my mouth.
Honestly I’ve tried to go fuck myself,
but I can’t figure out how to do it.
I get all tangled up
and wind up fucking somebody else every time.
Could you turn your head when you cough please?
Thanks.
Trust me they’re there.
The wax? I’m a cottage industry.
I make candles out of it.
My girlfriend? I don’t understand her tongue
until it’s in my mouth.
Honestly I’ve tried to go fuck myself,
but I can’t figure out how to do it.
I get all tangled up
and wind up fucking somebody else every time.
Could you turn your head when you cough please?
Thanks.
THE 20 DWARVES
I’m in my lounger,
one hand on the dipstick
and the other poised to push REC.
Nudity was promised.
I was thinking full frontal of Neuwirth.
I got her last week
in a skimpy one-piece from an old Frazier,
so I was eager to take the next step.
It turns out all we see
is one of Bening’s shoulders
naked for a blink
and lots of Beatty as “Bugsy”
repeating “20 dwarves took turns
doing handstands on the carpet,”
trying to improve himself.
one hand on the dipstick
and the other poised to push REC.
Nudity was promised.
I was thinking full frontal of Neuwirth.
I got her last week
in a skimpy one-piece from an old Frazier,
so I was eager to take the next step.
It turns out all we see
is one of Bening’s shoulders
naked for a blink
and lots of Beatty as “Bugsy”
repeating “20 dwarves took turns
doing handstands on the carpet,”
trying to improve himself.
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